This made me laugh

I was out in the back garden explaining to my wife how sometimes I feel really high and then really low.

She said, "Andy, get off the kids swing!!..

 

Sorry Ron,but thought this was funny
Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, I can't afford to be blamed for anything. The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

 

HEART-WARMING LAWYER STORY

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied..

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing as a heart - warming lawyer story?

 

An engineer dies and is sent to hell. He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The air conditioning has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly, and Hell gets a little more enjoyable for everyone.

Walking around one day, the engineer notices that the moving walkway motor has jammed, so he unjams it. People can now get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out, and notices that everyone down there is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks.

God asks the Devil “What’s up?”

The Devil replies, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer!”

“What?” says God, “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”

The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”

God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!”

The Devil laughs. “Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

 

Theresa May is touring Perthshire in the Prime Minister's Tiger Tank. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. The tank doesn't slow down at all, cos she doesn't really give a feck about Scotland, it's cow's or it's people as long as we pay into Westminster coffer's, give all the oil revenue and have their nuclear weapons next to it's biggest city !!! And we never vote Tory, so why the feck would she ?????


Bugger, back to being political again, I must stop now, sorry.

 

Oh mr O put another record on please......

 

Sorry, can't help myself, I do try to ignore and move on, but really is my cross, I have to bare. Sorry sir, I'll go away and write out 100 times -
I must not react
I must not react
.
.
.
.
.

 

Well you know what Ron ?
People where I live don't vote for the Tories either but we are part of Great Britain and we get on with life.

 

The population of the UK are touring Perthshire in a bus suddenly a cow situation arises that needs decisive, thoughtful action. The bus driver takes emergency action and is immediately suspended pending a disciplinary hearing.The person in charge does not react so the managers and supervisors beneath turn on each other and not knowing which way too turn, they continue bickering in the hope that everyone will see they are busy and move on. The press shout about the state of the roads, the state of the fences the state of the guys running the state and throw another Guy Falwkes on the bonfire.
A quire of commoners start to sing the old songs, loud enough to stop you thinking. The farmer sues and his insurance pays out about half what the situation costs, then ups his premiums. The driver is fired then after 2 appeals and 3 weeks, reinstated. the quires song dies down and the song of the leaders begins " Whos the leader of the gang of all the family M I C K E Y M O U S E."
They are all so busy they forget to be nice to each other, and so get drunk, eat too much, and f2ck, then laugh at each other and slag someone off.

 

You are not the only one. Can't see why she is even bothering to come up here to discuss Brexit as nothing that will be said will be listening to.
Unless it's said by Ruthie of course or some other sycophant.

 

Robert Sikoryk has turned the 20,000+ word iTunes T&C in to a graphic novel. I had it book marked on tumblr or somewhere, but can't now find the link to the full version. Anyway it's now on book shelves. Here's a sample.

 

There's a polite and non polite answer to that.
She can go boil her heid in a bucket is the polite version
I leave the impolite version to your imagination

 

1hr 15minutes isn't the full version

 

Was walking down the high street the other day and in a charity shop window saw a note saying "flat screen tv for sale £1 but volume stuck on full!"
Well that was a bargain I couldn't turn down!

 

Went in to see joe my local butcher today, he's about 6.5ft and always makes a joke about how short I am, anyway, to keep up his banter he bets me £20 I can't reach the beef on the top shelf!
I didn't take the bet on. The stakes were too high!

 

You know I live near and ride the Bonnie over the borders all the time

Daughter lives and works in Edinburgh loves it and we visit often

Trip booked to the inner Hebrides this Summer

And unless Scotland are actually playing England I support them (likewise the other home nations)

And yet you buggers will buy any obscure country's shirt and shout for them even if its North Korea if they're playing England

And you've got bloody dozens of time wasting MPs in London voting on laws that only effect me

Rant rant rant from a confused geordie (defined as a Scotsman with his brains kicked in but who buys his turn) Lol