This made me laugh

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"

 

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A company has produced soft furnishings with the Angel of Death pictured on them. There's bound to be Reaper Cushions.

 

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Latest news.

 

I’ve just ordered some castanets online from Argos.
I’m using their clack and connect service.

 

The fire alarm went off at the Black and Decker factory today. Everyone rushed out, but luckily it was only a drill.

 

I used to be in a band called The Palindromes. Our first single was “If I Had A Hi Fi”.

 

I was going to set up a new charity online called apathy.org but I couldn't be bothered.

 

Just as well you didn't bother, as nobody could have been arsed to join it...

 

The General was inspecting the military hospital. He went up to the soldier in the first bed and said:

“So what's the matter with you, Private?”
“Piles, sir.”
“And what's the treatment for that then,?”
“Wire brush, sir, three times a day, up down, up down, up down.” The General winced.
“And what's your greatest ambition, Private?”
“To get back to the front line as quickly as possible, sir.”

The General said “Good man” and moved on to the next bed. He spoke to the second soldier:
“And what's the matter with you, Private?”
“Clap, sir.”
“And what's the treatment for that then?”
“Wire brush, sir, three times a day, up down, up down, up down.”
“And what's your greatest ambition, Private?”
“To get back to the front line as quickly as possible, sir.”
“Good man.”

Moving to the next bed, he said to the third soldier:

“And what's the matter with you, Private?”
“Sore throat, sir.”
“And what's the treatment for that then?”
“Wire brush, sir, three times a day, up down, up down, up down.”
“And what's your greatest ambition, Private?”
“To get hold of the wire brush before the other two, sir.”

 

If anybody wants a copy of Osteopath Weekly I have back issues......

 

I bought a Campervan from a Japanese Opera singer. It's a Nissan Dormobile

 

During lockdown I did an online I Q test to pass the time. Afterwards they wanted £14.99 to tell me the result. So declining the offer , I didn't discover if I'm a genius but at least I know I'm not forking stupid.

 

My rear view mirror fell off last week. I haven’t looked back since.

 

I called my plumber because everytime I used my sink I could hear a DJ playing nightclub music tracks. Don’t worry he said, you’ve got a mixer tap.