This made me laugh

One fifth of people are just too tense!

 

Best one I seen was in Asda
Bag of Minstrels £1
Or this weeks special
Get 3 bags for £3

 

Yep ain't worth finding out the hard way at that price

 

T'other week at Asda, 2L bottles of Vimto cordial £3.70, 1L bottles £1.00
FFS

 

A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents. A biker jumps off his Triumph, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A BBC reporter, Laura Kuenssberg, has watched the whole event. Laura, addressing the Triumph rider says, "sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.” the Triumph rider replies, "why, it was nothing really, the lion was behind bars, I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.” Miss Kuenssberg "well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a BBC journalist, you know, and tomorrow's news will run this story. so, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?” the biker replies "I'm a British army veteran, a conservative and I voted for Brexit”. The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker turns on BBC news to see if it indeed brings news of his actions.
BBC headline: Right wing UK veteran assaults African immigrant & steals his lunch... and that pretty much sums up the BBC's approach to the news these days.



In the original it's a Harley rider...but we can't be having that can we? - Oh crap now I'm doctoring a story like the BBC

 

Plan

 

,

 

,

 

,

 

,

 

A Geordie was walking along and saw a skip standing at the side of the road. On the skip, he saw an old brass lamp. He looked quickly around, picked up the lamp, put it under his coat, and took it home.

Once home, he took the lamp and started to polish it up. There was a bang and a flash, and a genie appeared. “Your wish is my command” said the genie. The surprised Geordie made his wish.

The genie looked slightly puzzled, but raised his hand, and there was another bang and a flash. There in front of them stood a tiny man only a foot high, wearing a black frock coat, and an equally tiny grand piano. The little man bowed, sat down at the piano and started to play.

“What's this?”, said the Geordie, “That's not what I asked for!”

“Yes it is”, said the genie, “you distinctly asked me for a twelve inch pianist.”

 

I have no idea what a "Geordie" or a "skip" is, but at least I get the joke!

 

skip = Dumpster
Geordie = person who was born in NE England with a strange accent .

 

Specifically from the Tyneside area of the North East England, and definitely not from County Durham.

 

I was told this story years ago by a workmate who was a real Geordie from Newcastle himself (there was much banter between him and another workmate who was a Mackem), and he told it with exactly the right accent.

 

P.S. Not sure why the story floated up from my subconscious today. Perhaps it was because the North East of England has been in the news quite a lot lately...