This made me laugh

Feckin brilliant

 

I remember years ago that was the Monica Lewinsky gag

Oldfart

 

Looks like she smuggled all the pies out too

 

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Glad they got that Fistula under control before we needed a school vaccine

 

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One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He eventually comes round to find himself in Hell, and he starts wandering around the place, greeting his old supporters. Soon the Devil walks over to him.

"Ah, Mr Trump", he exclaims "I've been expecting you. You present me with a bit of a problem though, because we're actually full down here - I haven't got any vacancies. But I can't let you go, as you've actually been quite bad - so I'll tell you what we'll do...we've actually got three people down here who haven't been quite as bad as you. We'll pick one of them to go to Heaven, and you can take their place. I'll even let you choose who it's going to be."

Trump says "OK then", and the Devil walks him up this corridor, with various doors off to the side.

The Devil opens the door of the first room, and inside is Barack Obama. There's also a deep pool of dark water, and Obama keeps jumping in, searching for something under the water which he never finds, and repeatedly comes up gasping for air. He does this 24-hours-a-day. That is his fate in Hell.

Trump looks at this and says "No, I could never do that - I'm not a very good swimmer and it would ruin my hair."

So the Devil takes him to the second room and opens the door. Inside is Tony Blair, wielding a sledgehammer, smashing rocks. He's sweating buckets and this is what he does, 24-hours a day - that is his fate in Hell.

Trump looks at this and says "Oh no, I could never do that...I have a little arthritis in my right shoulder. This would never work for me".

So the Devil says "It'll have to be the last one then", and walks up to the third door, which he opens. Trump looks in and what he sees astonishes him. Inside this room is Bill Clinton, tied naked to a bed. Kneeling over him is Monica Lewinsky. Bill is clearly having a good time.

Trump says "Oh boy! yes...this is the one for me."

And the Devil says “Are you quite sure?”

“Oh yes, quite sure!”

"No problem”, says the Devil, “That's fine. This shall be your fate for all eternity. OK Monica...you're free to go".

 

Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".

 

My neighbour is the Guinness World record holder for the person surviving the most concussions in a life time. He's sustained 56 of them.

He lives just a stone's throw away from me

 

Q: Whats the similarity between a short sighted gynaecologist and a dog ?

A: A wet nose

 

Spotted near some posh apartments in Southampton by a friend...

 

Police have arrested two youths in Leeds after they collapsed at a rave, they were found to be carrying a large number of syringes for injecting a liquid form of ecstasy directly into the mouth. Police have condemned the practice which is known as 'e-by-gum

 

Found on a surplus site. Whilst the name of the product itself is funny, read the blurb.

https://www.varusteleka.com/en/product/kalakalle-ham-cock-182-g-canned/33760

 

Didn’t sleep a wink last night. Dreamt all night I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

 

Isn't it curious that "strap on" is "no parts" backwards?