This made me laugh

My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert!
Doesn't it embarrass you?"
I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."

 

One of the low lights in my life.

I saw a guy pull out a pack of Turkish cigarettes today. It reminded me of an incident from the late 80's. I used to smoke a brand called Turkish State Monopoly cigarettes. A very unusual brand. They were unfiltered and strong. Real coffin nails. I think they were made with camel shit. My brothers and I walked out of this seedy bar late one night, and as I got to my bike, I reached for my cigarettes, which I always kept in my top left shirt pocket. The weren't there. I must have left them on the bar. I told my brothers to wait, and I went back into the bar to get my smokes. There, at the bar, was a guy in the same seat I had just left. There was a pack of Turkish State Monopoly cigarettes in front of him. I said, almost politely, "Hey bud, would ya' gimmie my cigarettes." He said, "They're my cigarettes." Now, I'm 6'2" tall, and at the time weighted about 230 lbs. I had a 300 lb. bench press, longish black hair and a beard. I was told I looked like Satan's bodyguard. People usually didn't mess with me. In a low guttural snarl, I said through clenched teeth, "Don't f---k with me kid! Just give me the cigarettes." "Sure, mister," he said, sliding them over to me. As I got back to the bike, I was muttering to myself, "Showed that a-hole." I reached into my hip pocket for the key and there were MY cigarettes!

I turned around, walked back into the bar, apologized and gave the kid his pack of smokes.

Actually, that last part didn't happen. I boosted this poor guy's cigarettes. The next time I went to confession, I didn't tell the priest about this. I was too embarrassed.

 

You can't beat a touring holiday.

 

That's what those mirror things are for, every day a school day

 

The average cat can jump higher than a single-story house.

This is because a single-story house can't jump at all.