I was at my local Asda yesterday buying a large bag of Purina Pro Plan dog biscuits for my daughter's Springer Spaniel. I was at the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?... What did she think, I had an elephant...? So, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms..... I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina dog biscuits, and simply eat one or two bits every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again..... (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no: I had stepped off a kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse, and a car hit us both. I'm now banned from Asda...
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress: Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked. "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said. "Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered. "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked. "And did he give you £500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied. "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying. "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Philosophically speaking, my life is a microcosm of the great revolving cycle of the Universe. My three girls give me Home Depot gift cards for Father's Day. I use the gift cards to buy material to complete repair projects at their houses. And all is well in the cosmos.
A few years ago a mate of ours turned up on his Virago and proudly showed off his new "screen" made from aluminium chequer plate!!
