This made me laugh

How do you get down from an elephant?

Don't be silly! You get down from a duck.

 

Something wrong with that pussy. Not from Thailand, is it?

 

How do you get 2 Whales in a mini ? ..........



Down the M54



(...... to wales ..)

 

Can't outrun the Motorola

 

Well you can if you've got a 160 hp 1400 lb vw bug with hydraulic turning brakes not tied into the brake light circuit at night. A few short sprints, a few corners and duck into an alley. And he doesn't have a chance use it. BUT that car shouldn't have a custom paint job ask me how i know. Well after a go with a girlfriend i i woke up hungover and no car in the driveway. Bad time. But the cop took me the next day to the ATM to make bail. Judge was not so impressed.

 

“It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.”

 

I promised my wife i would never let her down.
Especially considering that it took over a hour to blow her up.

 

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Why is it taking so long to mend big Ben.
I mean they're working round the clock.

 

Latest idea...

 

Watching a nature programme and just seen two male lions taking it in turns to shag each other.
I can't help but think.

"For the Love of God, have they no pride?"

 

that’s funny in at least 3 different ways... I salute you!

 

Can anyone give a rough idea of how much a ballpark would cost?

 

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?", he asked.

"Yes, I am."

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," she said.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that that hurts!"

 

A man staggers into the casualty department with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, Rebecca, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a field of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was searching around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ****.

That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!

I don't remember much after that."