This made me laugh

Pikeys.....

The EU has decided that the word Pikey os not politically correct, so now we'll call them Caravan Utilizing Nomadic Travellers.


I got into an argument with a pikey once and he threatened to get his Dad, his Uncle and his brother to beat me up.

Imagine my relief when I discovered they are the same person.


A young pikey girl was sitting with her mother the night before her wedding.
Her mum said, "I'd like to talk to you about your wedding night. Your husband will want to put his most prized possession where you pee." Confused, the daughter asked, "But why would he put his tarmac rake in the sink ? "

What's the first question at a Pikey Quiz Night?

What you looking at?


A group of pikeys turned up at the gates of heaven one day, asking for admittance.

St. Peter said he'd have a word with the boss and get back to them in 10 minutes.

Ten minutes later St. Peter gets back and called out to God: "They've gone!"

"What, the pikeys?" asked God.

"NO, the F***ING GATES!!"


I've just renamed my wifi network to Police Surveillance Van #2; that'll fuck up my Pikey neighbours.


Even the fucking Pikey's have gone high-tech these days.

Yesterday there was a gang of them knocking on doors in our street and asking if we wanted our drives reformatted.


And, finally....

 

How to Wash a Cat


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2. Pick up the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet – the cat is actually enjoying this!


4.5 You may see claws at the side of the toilet seat – don't worry it is just the cat getting itself comfortable for the “rinse”



5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse.”


6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.


8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where it will dry itself off.


9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Yours sincerely,
The Dog

 

Once got talked into helping wash a cat, all I remember after walking into the bathroom, was the excruciating agony as it hung from my lower back by a single claw pierced into and out of my skin!!!

My missus actually had to 'un-hook' the little cnut

 

Master Sgt not discriminating, he really hates everyone equally
https://www.duffelblog.com/2019/11/...AdF5KAdkSSSUmL2lTwzJwrWBR08eYyJciobdR9MoYXuMo

 

How do you get 4 elephants in a red Mini??





Two in the front and two in the back!

 

How can you tell if you've had an elephant in your fridge?






Footprints in the butter



Oldfart

(I'll get my coat!)

 

Aha. But, how do you get four giraffes in a red mini?

You can't. It's full of elephants.

 

How do male elephants hide in the jungle?

They paint their testicles red and hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A monkey eating cherries.

 

How do you get down from an elephant?

Don't be silly! You get down from a duck.

 

Something wrong with that pussy. Not from Thailand, is it?

 

How do you get 2 Whales in a mini ? ..........



Down the M54



(...... to wales ..)

 

Can't outrun the Motorola

 

Well you can if you've got a 160 hp 1400 lb vw bug with hydraulic turning brakes not tied into the brake light circuit at night. A few short sprints, a few corners and duck into an alley. And he doesn't have a chance use it. BUT that car shouldn't have a custom paint job ask me how i know. Well after a go with a girlfriend i i woke up hungover and no car in the driveway. Bad time. But the cop took me the next day to the ATM to make bail. Judge was not so impressed.