This made me laugh

MEMORANDUM TO: All employees
FROM: Managment
SUBJECT: Revised Retirement Plan

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as Retire Aged Personnel Early (RAPE).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided that they are RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of operation is called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This phase is called Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES) or Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment (CLAP), unless of course they already have Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse (AIDS). As both HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.
We believe that we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area.

If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor who has been especially trained by means of a Basic Understanding Lecture List of Special High Intensity Training (BULLSHIT) to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

Yours,

BIG SHIT

(Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training)

 

I would copy this and send out to my fellow wage slaves, but I am pretty sure the e-mail filter would not permit this and I would probably get a visit ???

 

That’s who I work for

 

Tucker

 

I knew that was coming from one of you’s

 

Oh the deliciousness of having to fit the company embossing seal into the punch to ratify decisions made during pensions trustees meetings because the managing director of an engineering firm couldn't work out how to put the round discs into the round holes. (It takes years of training to be an engineer - but it takes no training at all to be an engineer's manager: It's like unskilled labour without the labour!)

I managed to get a copy of this (with spellings corrected) on company headed notepaper unofficially made into official company policy.... I did it for comedy value rather than in seriousness, but I guess they would have had a sense of humour failure if they'd found out. (Company is long gone now!)

 

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine ...
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, You get repossessed.
With her marriage, She got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, You've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

Hey mates, need your help!

A friend of mine complained, the wiper on his Defender‘s rear window does not work.

I told him that was perfectly normal and in fact intended: They only work in the export version for southern
Europe called Defender 90 R. But only if you use the toggle switch and click it into „Retreat“.

Did I get this right?