This made me laugh

A patient is lying in his bed in the hospital with an an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles but manages to mumble again,
"Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man struggles and pulls off his mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely.......
Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

In your dreams Dave!

 

Yes its nice to have him back, all healthy and well again telling old very old jokes

 

Yuck, I've just eaten a bad pancake. It tasted like crepe.

 

One day a Barnsley man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.."
"Amazing," he notes... "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from
gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into
the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice"
"It's not coconut juice" winks the woman, "I have a still, how would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk..
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece
of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely.
There's something I'm certain you feel like right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've made a chip pan?"

 

A new supermarket opened up and of course my wife wanted to go explore. I ended up pushing the trolley while she pilled in the shopping. There was a lot of people there so she told me stay put whilst she went to fetch a packet of cereal. Ten minutes passed and she still wasn't back. Then a bloke bumped into my trolley as he wasn't looking where he's going and told me he lost his wife. I told him ditto and asked him what she looked like in case I saw her passing by. He gave me an explicit description from head to toe and made sure to describe her ample boob size with his hands and the curvy stature she had. Then he asked me how my wife looked.

I replied, "feck my wife, lets go find yours!"

 

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

 

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is, little Tommy.
“Tommy, why do yo...u look so sad?” asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: “My Dad’s a stripper in a gay bar”.
The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued:
“Sometimes, he doesn’t come home, and my Mummy sits crying. Sometimes, he sells his body for other men’s pleasure.”
There were gasps around the classroom. The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: “Is all that true, Tommy?”
“No, not at all, Miss. He really plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say”

 

I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting and fell asleep!

 

Woo hoo my lungs can’t go like that
They’re covered with a layer of protective tar

 

Scarey.....

 

Had a good chuckle at this high end bike security

 

Give it a minute, you'll get it

 

Did you see a guy in London got done for impersonating a police officer! He was riding around on an ex-police bike, with checkers, wearing his council hi-viz jacket and one of these TWAT vests.

And the funny bit - HE WAS RIDING A......... (you guessed it)........................ BMW !!!!!

LINKY

 

an ex police one as well

 

I'e got an idea - blue flashing lights on my Rocket