This made me laugh

This one reminded me of the partially deaf old guy taken to the doctors by his wife for a check up.
At the end the doctor asks if he can bring in a sample of urine, faeces and semen.
Old guy says to his wife "what's he say ?"
Wife replies "He needs you to bring a pair of your old underpants next time we come"

 

A Grandpa Story to Be Proud Of..


Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. Before we ate, my 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, & I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert - and liberty & justice for all. Amen!"

There was laughter from the other customers nearby, except one woman who I heard remark, "That's what's wrong with this country? Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson & said, "I happen to know that God thought that wasa great prayer." "Really?" my grandson asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, & then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae &, without a word, walked over & placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you, you grumpy old bitch. Shove it up your arse!"

 

Hahaha very good Dave, I did actually laugh out very loud at that one

 

What kind of bees make milk???

Boo-bees!!

 

Life is like a penis; simple,relaxed and hanging free ... it's women that make it hard.

 

Young apprentice waiting at the bus stop on his way home from work.
Good time older lady tells the lad that they have just missed the bus and asks if he would like to accompany her for a drink.
"I have only got my bus fare on me, and Im not old enough to drink"
"Don't worry love, I'll look after you, come on with me"
Couple of drinks later, with the lad a bit fresh, the lady asks him if he would like to escort her home.
"I really should be getting home now, my Mum will be wondering where I am"
"Don't worry love, I'll look after you, come on with me"
Back at her place she slips into some nice seductive silks, lights down low and puts some sweet soul music on.
"Would you like a 69er ?"
"Sorry, I don't know what you mean"
"Don't worry love, I'll look after you"
With that she sits on his face and starts gyrating about.
Then she suddenly farts "Oops! sorry love, are you okay?"
"I've been better!" The lad replied politely, catching his breath.
She carries on for a minute or so and then drops another.
The lad throws her off him and shouts "F**k Off, I can't stand another 67 of them"

 

I'm thinking of starting a self help group for sex addicts.
I'm not addicted myself but think it would be a handy way to meet sluts.

 

Honest truth, I used to know a doctor called Tom Jones. I said to him one day "I bet you get loads of jokes about your name", and he said, "it's not unusual".

 

I had a doctor called Dr Duck !!!!

And yes, his first name was Donald

(I swear this is true, google if you don't believe me)

 

We had a solicitor called Mr Nick Crook !!! of Fairley & co - also totally true...........................and hilarious

 

head boy at my senior school was John Bogg, and a pal at college was called Lipschitz

 

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots his mate Paddy the farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Paddy is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks across the field and says
"You reckon that you farmers are busy all the time, it sure don’t look like it at present, what are you doing?"
Paddy replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

 

This sketch has been used for various things,every time i see him i'm in stitches!

 

This Guy is all over the internet you can even make your own laughing man video, with your own sub titles
i can think of a few on here who would make a good job of it..you know who you are
http://www.captiongenerator.com/make-an-el-risitas-laughing-man-interview-video

 

That'll run and run Dougie - I can see them all at home right now, with pens and notepads writing down their pearls of wit & wisdom