This made me laugh

The Rake

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower upstairs.
He realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife at the
bathroom window, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back,
"What??????" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee, and
makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What???!!!!?!" The
man repeats his gestures....... "EYE KNEE...THE RAKE!"
The wife nods that she understands and signals back. She first points to
her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt,
and finally to her crotch. Well, there is NO WAY in hell the man can even
come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What
in the hell was THAT?" She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH."

 

How to give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap; cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly this time with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat's head in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f*****g cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little b*****d's front paws to back paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get friend to drive you to casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a Dog a pill

1. Wrap it in Bacon.

 

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
that
they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some
more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container,

"To apply, push up bottom."

 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "Because I process food and give all of your energy."

"I should be in charge!" demanded the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in and all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral Of The Story: You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole!!

 

oops

 

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and
the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped
over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact,
since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same
as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my
mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kind of slither over you, and figure
out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
Oh, that would be wonderful." replied the bunny. So the snake slithered
all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you
have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony
tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and
help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly
and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd
say you must be either a consultant, computer programmer, or possibly
someone in senior managament