This made me laugh

.... and cramp in his toes !

 

There used to be a panhandler that hung out under the Vine St. Expressway overpass on N. 5th St. near Spring Garden in Philly. He had a sign that said "HELP! FAMILY KIDNAPPED BY ALIENS. NEED MONEY FOR KARATE LESSONS."
I had to give that guy a couple bucks just for originality.

 

That guy would get money from me...while he isn't 100% honest, he's a lot more so than others...

 

I'd like to go, but I don't want to go by myself. Any other serial killers out there that want to go with me?



Oh. wait...it might be a trap set by the cops.

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

 

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman: ‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’


The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.


The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.



The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’


The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.


The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.



In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’.
The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’.
The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’


The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.’
‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’


The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves….
..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.


The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’
The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’
The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’
The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’
The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’
The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’


‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.


‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’


After a short pause. The rabbit said…


‘Mixin-me-toasties.’

 

I think this dog was spotted last week.

 

These are loud, expensive to get, even more expensive to maintain, you can rarely just hop on them and go for a ride, and within months of having one you will question your sanity for wanting one in the first place. The other is a Triumph. I don't know much about Triumphs.

 

Did you know that when born they are just white and developed their spots later. That is apart from the rare Arachnomatians.

 

That rabbit joke is very specific. Also, I see you like sailing dinghies.