This made me laugh

If you have any rubbish to get rid of,
tonight is the perfect time to throw it in your neighbours garden & blame it on Storm Eunice.

 

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Good job she didn't try that today!!

 

Old one, but I still chuckle...

 

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle’s Eastern Suburbs was recently faced with an unusual problem. A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man, who was a motorcyclist, to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it. The silence was broken by a large number of gasps, a few girls vomited and apparently someone fainted. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers . . . and then there are educators

 

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A Motorcycle without her man is nothing.
A Motorcycle: without her, man is nothing.
Punctuation matters.
Motorcycles matter more.

 

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An undercover cop called at my farm yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my work. A short while later, I heard loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your badge!”