This made me laugh

A good friend of mine started work at a large furniture factory last week. I just heard that he fell into an upholstery machine this morning but he's OK now, he's fully recovered.

 

When you reach a certain age you learn that when you have to go, you'd better go, or you're gonna go.

Me when I'm stuck in traffic and I realize I need to find a bathroom NOW!

 

My brother and I were sitting across from each other in the living room having a few beers. Beer cans piling up on the coffee table. He said something “taint so.”


Me: “Taint? That’s the space between your balls and your butt.”

Brother: “I’ve never heard that before.”

Me: “Everyone knows that. Because it taint balls and it taint butt.”

Brother: “Naw, you’re makin’ that up.”

The wife walks in.

Me: “Honey, what’s between the dick and the asshole?”

Wife: “The coffee table”

 

"I didn't say you need braces, I said brace yourself."

 

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

 

Classic!

 

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Excellent!

 

Not mine. Comedienne Paula Poundstone...

Paraphrasing:

"I had to cut some construction paper for a grade school project and grabbed a pair of scissors. My mother yelled "Don't use those! They're my good scissors."
This led me to the logical conclusion the somewhere in the house was a pair of BAD SCISSORS!"

 

I'm not one who is usually much for poetry, but, sniff, that was beautiful.