This made me laugh

Sounds kind of familiar, perhaps akin to some stuff on another thread

 

Yes. I think some people suffer from the following. It seems to be particularly prevalent acroos the pond.

 

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Prevalent perhaps, but I like to think they're still the vocal minority. I hope so anyway, otherwise that place is screwed.

 

I agree that they are probably a vocal minority, but think that they are probably
a large enough minority for the place to be screwed anyway.

 

Please don’t read if naughty words upset you…


An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window:

'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

"Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.

"Can I help you sir?' he says.

"Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!"

The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.

At the end the thrilled barman cries,

"Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?"

"That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The Cunt's Blind.' "

"Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?"

"Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears.

The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title.

"That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' "

"I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"

"Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ".

"Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."

"Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?"

On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him.

"Hi" she says.

"Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear,

"Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"

Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"

 

Wife had lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and wife has been married for 20+ years.

They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

Engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

The wife had to share her story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me, he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

The husband sounds like he's been married for a while, and knows that no matter how many 'signals' he's being given that sex is a go, he knows in reality there's still f**k all chance of it actually happening.

 

Now, now… Careful, you might annoy @Helmut Visor for cross posting. You know how he doesn't like that! God forbid.

...or am I the only one that gets karened for that activity?

 

How can you tell if a mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.

 

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Arguing with people on the internet.

 

Had to Google "Dunning Kruger effect", just wondering whether to trust my increased knowledge?