This made me laugh

I just bought a chicken proof lawn...
It's impeccable!

My son told me 'Dad, I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, and now it burns.'
I said 'That's Heinz sight for you....'

I was once attacked by a gang of mime artists...
They did unspeakable things to me.

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.
But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot...

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07.

I changed the tags of my mother's herb jars. She hasn't notice it yet..
But the thyme is cumin

 

The best ones gotta be
Snowbegonkenobi

 

Just shown that to the wife and I had to explain it to her.

 

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Have to say I had to look twice

 

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She’s married. Lucky bastard.....