This made me laugh

Paddy, just moved to Liverpool from Cork , walks into a pub and orders three pints of Guinness. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar to order three more.


The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."


Paddy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an accountant the other is a solicitor, both living in London . When we all left our home in Cork , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.


Paddy becomes a regular in the pub and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss".

Paddy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

 

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn’t know what to call her so we named her ‘Pussy-cat.’

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, ‘OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.’

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’. and my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-0’.

They love to hate each other, and constantly ‘snip’ at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD’s waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor

A side door opened and the vet leaned in – he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, ‘Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more, and it’s finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God only knows who the father is!’

Then he closed the door.

 

1.　Ted Walsh　- Horse Racing Commentator –　

'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'


2.　New Zealand Rugby Commentator　–　
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3.　Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator　–　

'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'


4.　Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977　–　
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'


5.　US PGA Commentator　–　
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

 

6.　Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:　
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


7.　A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,　
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'　
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8.　Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:　
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'


9.　Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:　
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '


10　Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:　
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. 　Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:　

'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

 

12.　Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:　
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 

I do believe that Claire Frisby, as featured in no.9 above, used to ride a Triumph Legend Thudderbirdy thingy. Featured in a series of programmes for local tv if my memory serves me ... 'twas quite a while ago though!

 

“Mayday, Mayday!!”

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.
He yelled, "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.

 

Times were hard, so the farmer decided to take his five female pigs to the county fair and sell them.


At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant.”
“If they’re lying in the mud, they’re not.”

The next morning all the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn.”

 

According to this I should be riding a Harley !!!! lol