This made me laugh

With star student @Ron Ashurst

 

Female Russian pole vaulter Ivank Likabloky denies ever taking steroids.

 

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Lucas Industries.

• Why didn't the Germans bomb the Lucas plants during WWII? The Germans considered Lucas an ally.
• The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."
• "And the Lord said 'let there be light'...Joseph Lucas replied 'no way, Lord, no way'."
• Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness".
• Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
• Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
• The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.
• The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.
• "I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob..."
• If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.
• Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.
• It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.
• Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"
• Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.
• Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.
• Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.
• Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.
• Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times clockwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."
• Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.
• Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.
• In the 1980's Lucas tried to get into the newly burgeoning PC market, but they discontinued the product when they couldn make it leak oil.
• Why are there no skyscrapers in London? Lucas makes elevators
• Lucas Factory motto, put in a good day's work then home before dark.
• Why is there no death penalty in England? Lucas makes electric chairs.

 

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And Merry Christmas to you too Ron!

 

And he has two baseball bats with which to swat the big fat fcuker!