This made me laugh

Knock yourself out.

 

A Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell.

The wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do." He said "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up …

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the motorcycle shop next door to that."

 

The first bus in Britain to be powered by human waste went into service and crashed on the same day.

Police proved that the driver was speeding by measuring the length of the skid marks.

 

Genuine conversation with the missus just now:

Her: They're coming for the charity bag tomorrow. Have you got any old clothes I can put in it?
Me: There's this old jacket I never wear.
Her: I like you in that jacket. You should wear it, it's nice.
Me (putting jacket back in wardrobe): What about this shirt then?
Her: That was a present from me! Don't you like it?
Me: Yes, it's one of my favourites. I just thought... What about this jumper?
Her: No, it's got a hole in it. The clothes have to be in good condition.
I close the wardrobe, having lost the will...
Her: So you haven't got anything to put in the bag?
Me: Seems not
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Also yesterday true incident:
There's always one:

Out for a cycle ride yesterday morning, when I came up behind a walking charabanc of senior citizens (I know I'm one too, but...), with a few minders in high-vis (a bit like a school outing with teachers in charge, but add 50 to 60 years in age). They were taking up the whole path, and chattering and laughing loudly, so I pinged a warning on my bell. The tail-end-charlie minder looked round and sprang into action. "Bicycle coming, keep into the right", he yelled. This instruction was shouted again by him and several others, and the path opened up in front of me.

I cycled slowly past, exchanging waves and 'good mornings' with the folks in the charabanc, and thinking how pleasant and cooperative people are when out and about, and not trading insults on social media.

As I drew near the front however, one woman shouted out in an angry voice, "Yah should'a rung your bloody bell!". "I did", I replied, somewhat mystified. "Well I didn't bloody hear you", she snarled. Ho hum. I thought the loud chorus of "keep right, bicycle coming" was sufficient. But it seems not for one old dear. Angst is alive and well in the middle of a walking charabanc in Milton Keynes.

 

Next time fix an air horn like those fitted to boats, then the old cnut will sh!t herself.

 

White elephant gift.

 

Yet another gift for @Duckadiledundee

 

This one is especially for me...

 

M'lud, learned friends, members of the jury, we have heard the defendant state that he shot the sheriff. I therefore find it inconceivable that he did not also shoot the deputy.
_________________

I read that Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin...

He he, I've got one up on him then...







I'm not dead!

 

Just what those hard to shop for friends need for Christmas this year..........

 

I’ve spotted the flaw in that design, it needs a splash cover to stop water getting in the beer, but then again American beer is like having sex in a canoe anyway, “f@cking close to water”

 

WTF!

https://66.media.tumblr.com/6b6273fd8aaf51e64dfe628d9fdc728e/tumblr_nwkru2RoSk1tiz92no1_400.gif

 

What’s that, the Bad Billy Racing school training video