This made me laugh

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Havit, Sep 23, 2015.

  1. darkman

    darkman Crème de la Crème

    Oct 26, 2015
    7,625
    1,000
    Southcoast of the UK Earth
    “It snowed last night...

    8:00 am: I made a snowman.

    8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

    8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

    8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

    8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

    8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

    8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

    8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

    8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

    8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

    8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

    8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

    8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

    9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

    9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

    9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

    By noon it all melted

    Moral:

    There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.”
     
    • Funny Funny x 9
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 2
  2. David Cooper

    David Cooper Triumph Rocketeer.
    Subscriber

    I promised my wife i would never let her down.
    Especially considering that it took over a hour to blow her up.
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  3. David Cooper

    David Cooper Triumph Rocketeer.
    Subscriber

    .

    75178136_1747526032054130_845788118391980032_n.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 7
  4. dilligaf

    dilligaf Guest

    1DAB572E-F533-4D1C-8CD8-704808B04532.jpeg
     
    • Funny Funny x 7
  5. David Cooper

    David Cooper Triumph Rocketeer.
    Subscriber

    ,

    70901599_1345641508944147_9113104721534517248_n.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 8
  6. darkman

    darkman Crème de la Crème

    Oct 26, 2015
    7,625
    1,000
    Southcoast of the UK Earth
    Why is it taking so long to mend big Ben.
    I mean they're working round the clock.
     
    • Funny Funny x 8
  7. Vulpes

    Vulpes Confused Member

    Mar 14, 2018
    17,810
    1,000
    Netherlands
    Latest idea...
    [​IMG]
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
  8. David Cooper

    David Cooper Triumph Rocketeer.
    Subscriber

    Watching a nature programme and just seen two male lions taking it in turns to shag each other.
    I can't help but think.

    "For the Love of God, have they no pride?"
     
    • Funny Funny x 10
    • Like Like x 1
    • Face Palm Face Palm x 1
  9. DCS222

    DCS222 Guest

    that’s funny in at least 3 different ways... I salute you!
     
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  10. Vulpes

    Vulpes Confused Member

    Mar 14, 2018
    17,810
    1,000
    Netherlands
    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 11
  11. darkman

    darkman Crème de la Crème

    Oct 26, 2015
    7,625
    1,000
    Southcoast of the UK Earth
    Can anyone give a rough idea of how much a ballpark would cost?
     
    • Funny Funny x 10
  12. Big Sandy

    Big Sandy WOOF! WOOF!

    Nov 14, 2018
    2,369
    800
    Fuck off you nosy cunt
    A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?", he asked.

    "Yes, I am."

    The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

    He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

    "Yes, I am," she said.

    "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

    He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

    "Yes, I am," his father answered.

    The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that that hurts!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 11
  13. Big Sandy

    Big Sandy WOOF! WOOF!

    Nov 14, 2018
    2,369
    800
    Fuck off you nosy cunt
    A man staggers into the casualty department with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

    Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

    "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, Rebecca, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a field of cows.
    We went to look for them, and while I was searching around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

    I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ****.

    That's when I made my big mistake."

    "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

    "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,

    'Hey, this looks like yours!

    I don't remember much after that."
     
    • Funny Funny x 11
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Big Sandy

    Big Sandy WOOF! WOOF!

    Nov 14, 2018
    2,369
    800
    Fuck off you nosy cunt
    To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

    Dear Dogs and Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

    To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

    To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

    1. They live here. You don't.
    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

    Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

    1. Eat less
    2. Don't ask for money all the time
    3. Are easier to train
    4. Normally come when called (well, OK, the cat thinks about it)
    5. Never ask to drive the car
    6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
    7. Don't smoke or drink
    8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
    9. Don't want to wear your clothes
    10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.

    And finally,

    11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
     
    • Funny Funny x 12
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Bad Billy

    Bad Billy Baddest Member

    Jun 1, 2017
    6,799
    1,000
    Southern Softyville
    If Carlsberg did weather girls this would be
    the one for a nippy day!
    Nippy.jpg
     
    • Like Like x 9
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Love You Love You x 1
  16. Bad Billy

    Bad Billy Baddest Member

    Jun 1, 2017
    6,799
    1,000
    Southern Softyville
    lollipop.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  17. Dave C

    Dave C Elite Member

    Dec 22, 2017
    1,831
    800
    North Dorset
    Bill, not one to nit pick but that's the third time for that one in about a week o_O
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  18. Fourbears

    Fourbears Noble Member

    Dec 8, 2017
    498
    413
    Norfolk
    Checklist for Christmas.
    1. Is it November?
    2. Yes?
    3. Then its NOT Christmas.
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Agree Agree x 4
  19. dilligaf

    dilligaf Guest

    ADDCEC44-2820-426C-8A0A-8341C69E65FF.jpeg
     
    • Funny Funny x 12
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