This made me laugh

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There's a queue outside the football ground at 2:30pm on Saturday, and progress is slow... the queueing punters get chatting when suddenly a funeral cortege passes by. One fan sees this, removes his flat cap and bows his head silently until the line of black vehicles has passed out of sight. Another fella taps him on the shoulder and says "well done mate, that was really respectful. Most of us here didn't even notice the thing". The first gentleman sighs, adjusts his cap and replies "well it was the least I could do, she was a good wife for nigh on forty years".

 

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

 

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, andWe all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said,'That was good, but I wanted you to use the wordfascinate, not fascinating.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I wasfascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally,But I wanted you to use the word fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because sheHad been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate,So she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but herT*ts are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried

 

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"

 

Mary Walsh is not going to be happy.

€73 for labour !!!!

 

73 Euro to locate her dildo! The garage is screwing her too!

 

Chords that include the tritone - in G7 that's the F and B - have a pull towards resolving the F to E and the B to C. Hence G7 as the "dominant 7th" of C major. Where there is no tritone, though there's always an overall pull towards "home", the tonic note/chord, it's less insistent.

 

Does nt seem to have affected em.

 

Algebra will be removed from maths lessons in every school, nobody knows y.

 

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A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £20 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bed springs and a duck caller. I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.

"The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic.

She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath to say:

"That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"

"Ah," says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

 

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