This made me laugh

I know what oop means but no self respecting Geordie would ever say oop, ask Dilli.

 

Want one.

 

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower'

I think I might have florets!

 

I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts.

 

I remember what my grandmother said to me on her deathbed.
She said, ‘I wish I’d bought a normal bed'

 

Me and the wife were going to go on holiday to Norway this year, but we costed it up and in the end we couldn’t fjord it.

 

My dad’s a foster parent, whereas my mother has always preferred Carlsberg.

 

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes but that’s in Heinz sight.

 

Aha. Fa e same reason that sludge allus drains to e bottom?

 

Is Dilli self respecting?

 

Nice one Big Sandy

 

Tell that to the Turkey... I can’t ever unsee that video...

 

"Woof"

 

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy her cigarettes. He walks there only to find it closed.
So, he goes into a nearby bar to use their vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and eventually end up in her apartment. After they've had some fun, he realizes it's 3 a.m. and says, "My wife's going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?"

The woman gives him some talcum powder, which he rubs on his hands and then goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and screeches, "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there, we had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says,

"You fucking Liar...! You've been Bowling again"..

 

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the Morris goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

Again he taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

 

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