This made me laugh

Did you hear of the guy who goes to the doc cos he's constipated? Doc gives him some laxatives, says "Come see me in three days."



3 days later... "Have you moved yet?" "No". More tablets... "see me in 3 days".



This goes on for a month. Until.. "Have you moved yet?" "No, but I'm gunna have to."



"Why's that?"



"Cos the house is full of shit...."

 

Fair point - just reduce the hours spent but the intent might well be the same...

 

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall?

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She actually went on my dirt bike...

Sergeant:
What kind of bike was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a new 2019 Kawasaki KX450 in lime green with a Liquid-cooled, 4-stroke Single engine, 449 cm³ displacement, 96 x 62.1 mm Bore x stroke with Compression ratio of 12.5:1. DOHC 4 valve, Forced lubrication, semi‑dry sump. Front suspension; 49 mm inverted telescopic fork with adjustable compression and rebound damping. Rear; New Uni-Trak with adjustable dual-range (high/lowspeed). Front brakes are Single semi-floating 270 mm petal disc. Caliper: Dual-piston. Rear brakes are Single 250 mm petal disc. Caliper: Single-piston. 5-speed transmission, Primary Reduction Ratio of 2.727 (60/22). Wet multi-disc manual clutch. Perimeter, aluminum frame, 122 mm trail, 305mm front wheel travel, 307 for the rear. Front tyre: 80/100-21 51M and rear 120/80-19 63M. Steering angle, left / right 42° / 42° L x W x H 2,185 x 830 x 1,275 mm Wheelbase 1,485 mm Ground clearance 340 mm Fuel capacity 6.2 litres Seat height 955 mm Curb mass 110.0 kg...

 

Blonde wants to send a message to her mother overseas.
The man told her it would cost £300, but I don't have £300, but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother!
"Anything?" said the man.
“Yes, anything,” said the blonde.
“Follow me,” said the man.
"Now get down on your knees, pull down my zip, and gently take out my penis"
She reached in, and gently with both hands held his penis.
The man closed his eyes, and said, "Well, go ahead!"
The blonde slowly, brought her mouth closer to his penis, while holding it close to her lips, she whispered…
"Hello mum, can you hear me?

 

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#15527 Yesterday at 11:55 PM

 

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