This made me laugh

Gorgeous!

 

Should have gone to specsavers

 

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy...level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this, and I don’t.

 

One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Biker : "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Biker : "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Biker : "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Biker : "You better believe it."

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good,' cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Biker : "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Biker : "No......"

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough......"

 

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