This made me laugh

The G H sound in enough is pronounced "F"
The "O" in women makes the short "I" sound
and the "TI" in nation is pronounced "SH"

Then the word GHOTI is pronounced
Just like FISH

Welcome to English

 

Johnny," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a shit, sir," says Johnny.
"Oh," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a bricklayer," says Johnny.
The teacher thinks, hmm, working class, what else can you expect?
"Bobby," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a shit, sir," says Bobby.
"Hmm," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a joiner," says Johnny.
The teacher sees this as confirming his suspicions about the lack of linguistic skills among working class children.
"Freddy," he says. "What does your father do for a living?"
"He's a lawyer, sir" says Freddy.
"And what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He reads The Times, sir," says Freddy.
"Interesting," says the teacher, "and how much time does he spend reading the paper?"
"Not long," says Freddy, "just until he's finished taking a shit."

 

Yep - in a car that doesn't stall...

 

Hmmm.

Years ago when in the last year at school, a friend and I planned to rob the local bank. Easy peasy, the security guard who took the cash bags out on a Thursday never wore a helmet, and was in his late 50's early 60's. A snatch and grab job, nab it and run. The cash wasn't even in cases, just bags of money!

The big day came, and we suddenly had loads of reasons to not go through with it.. Yeah we chickened out.

Skip forward a couple of years, there was a riot in Barlinnie, there was an shot of some of the inmates throwing the slates off the roof. There's my mate on the end. So I tootle up to Bar L to pay him a visit.

"What the fech are you doing in here?"

"9 years for armed robbery".

There but for the grace of godz went I....

 

Two vicars are discussing their flocks and churches. The one vicar asks the other how he deals with donations. "I'll tell you" says the other vicar. "After worship I give all donations to charity. Last Sunday it was the local care home, the week before that the RSPCA. What do you do with it?". " What I do?, I share it with the Lord!". The other vicar looks at him funnily and asks how he does that. "That's really simple!" the first vicar says, "After worship I put all donations in a big box, take that out back and throw all of it up in the air. What the Lord wants he can take and the rest is mine!"

 

.

 

A lawyer is driving past a field and sees a man eating grass, so he strops and asks why

"Well, I'm so poor, this is all I can afford"
"Come to my house and I'll see you are fed"
"That's generous, I have a wife"
"Bring her as well"
"And four children"
"Bring them as well"
" I can't begin to thank you enough"
"That's fine" says the lawyer "You will really like it at my house, the lawn hasn't been mowed for weeks"

 

I really am a lousy cook. Put me in a kitchen with a tin of Corned Beef and a bag of spuds and I'd make a real hash of it.

 

The head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

The brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.

The brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.

The brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.

"A Diet Coke?!," exclaim the others.. "don't you drink Guinness?"

"Well, since no one else was having beer I didn't want to be the only one," he replied

 

Actual headlines.

"Prostitutes appeal to the Pope"

"Juvenile court to try shooting defendants"

"Two Russian ships collide. One dies"

"Federal Agents raid gun shop........Find weapons."

"Midget sues Grocer....Cites belittleing remarks."

"City unsure why sewers smell."

"County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds."

"China may be using the sea to hide it's submarines."

Exerpt from a report about an air crash at an undisclosed location in the United States:
"So far NTSB Invetigators are working on the theory that the crash occured when the airplane hit the ground."

 

Today I was called an insensitive b45t4rd.

I saw my neighbour, who is a dwarf, stood at the bus stop, so I offered him a lift.

Don't know what he had against my rucksack I'm sure.

 

Further to my post about graffiti on toilet walls earlier..... I saw this.

"This bloody round house is no good at all, the seats too high, and the hole is too small."

And, under that, in a different scrawl,

"To this we must add the obvious retort,
Your bums too big, and your legs are too short."

Who says lavatorial humour is dead.?