This made me laugh

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me!!..

 

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The difference between footballers & motorcycle racers!

Rossi was actually trying to work out if he could still ride it with no seat!

 

Just had the neighbours looking at me funnily as I was laughing out loud with tears running down my face... we really need a "this is extremely funny" emoji...

 

I've just come back from the doctors. I've been told that I'm colour blind! I'm so shocked... this has come right out of the green.

 

My ex girlfriend had a Mexican fetish.

She was a Pedrofile.

 

The police have recovered a huge quantity of stolen DVDs, computers, radios, TVs and a whole host of other electronic gadgets. However, they say that at the moment they have not got any leads

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent world events and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the *******s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

 

I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit"

He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."

 

I got invited to a fancy dress party in Birmingham, and my friend said the theme was "spice".

So I went dressed as a chilli pepper, but when I got there, everyone else was dressed as astronauts

 

Yes. Definitely need a "really funny" emoji!

 

For those who dislike MAMIL's, you will love this

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=340969166830245

Well sorry but it made me laugh.

 

Me too, and I am a bicyclist also, conservation of speed at any cost.

 

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A man told the doctor : "My wife's pregnant, but we haven't
had sex in over a year. I don't understand it."
The doctor said : "It's what we in the medical profession
call a grudge pregnancy."
"What's a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.
The doctor replied : "Well, somebody's obviously had it in
for you

 

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