This made me laugh

I don't know if this should go into the technical help thread? or "some people shouldn't have tools!

 

8.20 will be fine for me, and sooner

 

Pretty much look at everything Guy Martin puts out on the BBC and these charts will cover it. The man is to engineering what a fuckwit is to common sense.

(Bear in mind, that my opinion is based on that of a professional aircraft engineer, rather than a self-publicist looking for his next revenue stream)

 

My mate signed up for Screwfix thinking it was a dating agency

 

3 Men die, and are waiting to get into Heaven.
St Peter was at the Pearly Gate and says,
"However good you were to your Wife that is the vehicle you will get in Heaven".
The First Guy comes up to the Gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my Wife and I loved her completely".
So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The Second Man comes up and says, "I cheated on my Wife a little but I still loved her."
He gets a Ford Mustang and drives off into Heaven.
The Third Guy comes up and says, "Actually, I cheated on my Wife quite a lot".
He gets a Scooter.
Next day the guy that got the Scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce, sat there crying his eyeballs out.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice Car"..
And the man sobbed,
"My Wife just went by, on a Pair of Roller Skates".

 

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The Domino effect.

 

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
"For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
“Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then"

 

Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking tennis elbow won't get better!
"Thank you for shopping at Asda "

 

I bet she has roller skates on

 

"National day for the abolition of slavery"

 

Having a discussion with your wife is like reading a Software Agreement.


You ignore everything, and at the end you click "agree".

 

And if you ever have the last word in an argument be aware that it's just the start of the next one

 

Saw this on a FB post, apparently a new concept gents hair dresser in France!

 

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