This made me laugh

The only reason i can think of that she has the job is so nobody knows about their love child lol

 

Someone's put up a Diane Abbott calendar at work, right across from my desk. I'm going to have to look at it for the next fifteen months.

 

It was my birthday, so at lunchtime, we nipped out for a curry and a few of beers. When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call.
The curry and beers I had consumed were starting to affect me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my missus was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long.
She asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not.
At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

 

Story of my life.

 

Damn! I think I’m ruined!

 

Toughen up old lad theres worse things in life....

 

Looks like something from the Ann Summers catalogue, not that I’ve ever read such a thing