This made me laugh

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When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word... ...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

 

One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?
'Flat on his arse, Father, over by the holy water.'

 

It Snowed Last Night

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.

8:37 - Accused of using black face on the snowman...snowpersons.

8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.

10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes..

 

Just saying
Tucker

 

Them Italians know how to make a pasty, a bit different from your average Cornish tho’

 

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He deserved that! I’d kick someone too if they tried jumping my arse!

Edit: might have been funnier to say ‘ass’ instead... being an equine(ish) reference and a colloquialism for arse... do you suppose I am over analysing this?!?

 

I looked and said to my mrs I don’t get it, her reply was twat