This made me laugh

And now we know what to get you for Christmas
Tucker

 

My mates come up with a new invention,,,,,,, hi viz camouflage

 

I can't see it working...

 

It's to blend in with the wombles and the police.

 

Blonde walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

 

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

 

I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it'd be a piece of cake.

 

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity. The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

 

Not a new invention, sorry!

https://see3dcamo.com/blogs/hunting-camo-news/blaze-orange-camo-for-hunting

Okay... so their customers are chimps and gimps.... But realtree do their blaze orange camo pattern as well and hi viz orange works well for stopping brain-dead trigger-happy yanks from shooting each other in deer season!

 

I’ll tell him he will be disappointed

 

How do you instantly turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed........ Forget your wife's birthday.

 

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe... Two minutes later he said "Why haven't you pulled over yet?" I said "Because we're still in Liverpool".

 

Police attending an incident in Liverpool returned to their car to find it up on bricks. Officers are working tyrelessly to find the culprit.