This made me laugh

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Havit, Sep 23, 2015.

  1. John T

    John T Senior Member

    Jun 4, 2015
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    Newcastle upon Tyne
    Jeez clicked on that first link never knew there were more dildos on Amazon Prime other than Clarkson and crew !
     
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  2. H.O.

    H.O. Noble Member

    Nov 28, 2015
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    ARDROSSAN, AYRSHIRE
    QUEEN CALLS UNUSUAL MEETING AT BUCK HOUSE...................................
    speculation is to announce that Prince Phil has landed the lead role in the next skelitor movie!
    Low budget film, little make-up needed.
     
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  3. GaryM

    GaryM It's him, you know who. Him from you know ....

    Apr 28, 2016
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    Patna , Ayrshire
    Crikey 20 pages of them, you pervert you. :D
     
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  4. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    #2344 Havit, May 6, 2017
    Last edited: May 6, 2017
    Some of his best

    1965: After visiting an exhibition of "primitive" Ethiopian art, Philip memorably said: "It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from her school art lessons."

    1966: The Duke made a rather sweeping generalisation when he proclaimed: "British women can't cook."

    1967: When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union, he said: "I would like to go to Russia very much, although the b******s murdered half my family."

    1969: Philip had no fear taking on Tom Jones at the height of his fame, telling the Welsh crooner his songs were "hideous" and asking him: "What do you gargle with, pebbles?"

    1976: The Prince was rather dismissive of the attractions Canada has to offer, proclaiming during a tour of the country: "We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves."

    1981: Making a slightly dubious joke about the terrible recession at the beginning of the 80s, the Duke quipped: “Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed."

    1984: Diplomacy has never been the Prince's strong suit, as he demonstrated when he asked a woman who gave him a figurine during a trip to Kenya: "You are a woman, aren't you?"

    1986: Two of the Duke's best known and most controversial gaffes occurred in this year, both concerning China.

    Firstly, he told a World Wildlife Fund (WWF) meeting: "If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it."

    More famously still, whilst on an ill-fated visit to the country, he unforgettably told a group of British exchange students living in the city of Xian: "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty–eyed."

    The Prince also rather undiplomatically referred to Beijing

    The Prince - never one to shy away from speaking his mind - asked a group of women "who do you sponge off?" whilst visiting the Chadwell Heath Community Centre in Dagenham.

    It was taken in jest by members of the group including Nusrat Zamir, a trustee of the centre, who jokingly replied that she relied on her husband for money.

    She said: "The Duke said to us "who do you sponge off?" We're all married so it's our husbands.

    "He was just teasing and it's similar to what I call my husband - the wallet."

    In honour of Philip's silver-tongued wit, Express.co.uk takes a look back at some of the Duke's finest and most controversial pronouncements over half a decade as the Queen's

    1965: After visiting an exhibition of "primitive" Ethiopian art, Philip memorably said: "It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from her school art lessons."

    1966: The Duke made a rather sweeping generalisation when he proclaimed: "British women can't cook."

    1967: When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union, he said: "I would like to go to Russia very much, although the b******s murdered half my family."

    1969: Philip had no fear taking on Tom Jones at the height of his fame, telling the Welsh crooner his songs were "hideous" and asking him: "What do you gargle with, pebbles?"

    1976: The Prince was rather dismissive of the attractions Canada has to offer, proclaiming during a tour of the country: "We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves."

    1981: Making a slightly dubious joke about the terrible recession at the beginning of the 80s, the Duke quipped: “Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed."

    1984: Diplomacy has never been the Prince's strong suit, as he demonstrated when he asked a woman who gave him a figurine during a trip to Kenya: "You are a woman, aren't you?"

    1986: Two of the Duke's best known and most controversial gaffes occurred in this year, both concerning China.

    Firstly, he told a World Wildlife Fund (WWF) meeting: "If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it."

    More famously still, whilst on an ill-fated visit to the country, he unforgettably told a group of British exchange students living in the city of Xian: "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty–eyed."

    The Prince also rather undiplomatically referred to Beijing as "ghastly".


    1994: The Duke was at his witty best during an official trip to the Cayman Islands, asking one islander: "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?"

    Later on in the tour he met a rabbit breeder in Anguilla and decided to impart some unique biological knowledge. He told him: "Don't feed your rabbits pawpaw fruit — it acts as a contraceptive. Then again, it might not work on rabbits."

    1995: The Prince famously asked a Scottish driving instructor in Oban: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?"

    1998: In another one of his more famous gaffes, the Duke asked a British student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea: "You managed not to get eaten, then?"

    1999: During a visit to the British Deaf Association in Cardiff he told a group of children who were standing by a Caribbean steel band: "If you're near that music it's no wonder you're deaf".

    2000: This was a fruitful year in terms of Philip gaffes.

    He made waves at the opening reception of a new £18million British Embassy after describing it as a "vast waste of space".

    Then, at a Buckingham Palace drinks party, he told group of female Labour MPs: "Ah, so this is feminist corner then."

    The Duke also revealed that he is not a massive fan of Italian wines. During a dinner in Rome with then Italian prime minister Giuliano Amato he is said to have uttered: "Get me a beer. I don't care what kind it is, just get me a beer."

    Never one to shy away from a joke
     
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  5. dilligaf

    dilligaf Guest

    True story
    While serving in Canada in the early 80s. Phil the Greek passed through RAF Goose Bay where I was stationed on an unofficial visit for one night
    I got the job of being his driver using the C Os car picking him and his aide up from the aircraft and taking them to the officers mess where they would be wined and dined and spend the night
    About 3 in the afternoon I was in my room on stand by having a cuppa and listening to music when his aide nearly broke my door down shouting get the car get the car he's gone missing hurry up hurry up
    We got the car and started to search for him
    Me thinking bloody hell Im involved in what's gonna be news around the world
    Jesus I'll be on telly and everything
    Found him walking down the road without a care in the world!
    His aide managed to persuade him to get in the car after a bit of heated discussion which i couldn't hear
    Stone silence while I took them back to the mess where we were met by the C O who took the car back and told me to keep quiet
    I didn't see him again
    Bollocks I wanted to be on telly
     
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  6. dilligaf

    dilligaf Guest

    He called me a jock !!!FFS!
    I've been spoken proper England since I was a children!
    Never been able to spoken Jockineese
     
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  7. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    Jul 17, 2015
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    15037c866404da2282b71d48f3810311.jpg
     
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  8. thebiglad

    thebiglad Old fart, still riding !

    Sep 25, 2013
    5,066
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    Central France
    THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM
    DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:



    1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost
    every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."



    2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very
    distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."



    3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as
    they were all Spanish."



    4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to
    bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in
    the price."



    5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned
    to our room."



    6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
    shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."



    7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the
    afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this
    should be banned."



    8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were
    scared."



    9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen,
    there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."



    10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local
    convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or
    ginger nuts."



    11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide
    book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware
    of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."



    12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took
    the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."



    13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends'
    three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."



    14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee
    hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."



    15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The
    receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that
    there would be so many foreigners."



    16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no
    air-conditioning."



    17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly
    guests before we travel."



    18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."



    19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we
    were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and
    want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would
    not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."







    BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US

    and THEY VOTE!
     
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  9. dilligaf

    dilligaf Guest

    No2 it was my wife!
    I thought it was a lovely holiday
     
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  10. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    Jul 17, 2015
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    Today i have mostly been watching legs and boobs:) The sun brings the best out of everyone:D:D:D
    Not healthy when riding your bike though :oops:
     
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  11. Winglad

    Winglad Crème de la Crème

    Dec 21, 2016
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    A very scary thought, isn't it?
     
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  12. Winglad

    Winglad Crème de la Crème

    Dec 21, 2016
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    You are absolutely right Wayne: better protect your boobs on the bike!
    :D
     
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  13. dilligaf

    dilligaf Guest

    Yeah!!!!
    I'm married to one of them :confused:
     
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  14. Sprinter

    Sprinter Kinigit

    Aug 17, 2014
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    uk
  15. Sprinter

    Sprinter Kinigit

    Aug 17, 2014
    6,029
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    uk
  16. Dougie D

    Dougie D Crème de la Crème

    Jan 30, 2016
    10,662
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    Blairgowrie Perthshire
    A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
    The very young produce assistant told him that they sold only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.
    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
    As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him and added: "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
    Later the manager said to the boy: "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
    "Canada, sir," the boy replied.
    "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
    The boy said: "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and hockey players up there."
    "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
    "No way!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
     
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  17. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    [​IMG]
     
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  18. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    Jul 17, 2015
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    [​IMG]
     
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  19. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    There's always some flash sod
    [​IMG]
     
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  20. Havit

    Havit Admin
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    Castrol R
    [​IMG]
     
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